Question: What is the origin of the expression “losing one’s virginity” and what is its importance?

Answer: It is a biased expression, and it generates misunderstanding. When I was studying mathematics at school, the teacher, Fr Olabarrieta, used to tell us that the important thing in mathematics was to frame properly the equation embodying the problem. If the equation is not properly framed, there is no solution; and if it is properly framed, the solution is already there. When I went up to university for more math studies, the professor, Fr Racine, when tackling a new problem, would take his time on the blackboard to frame the equation whose solution would be the answer to the problem. Once he had framed and written the equation with all its x, y, z, on the upper left corner of the board, he would turn to the class, smile, throw the piece of chalk to the floor, and solemnly announce: “Call the peon.” He meant to say that all that mattered was to frame the equation properly, and that solving it was mere routine. The peon who cleaned our classrooms could do it as well. In fact, that is done today by the computer. The difficult thing is to programme it.

So then, the expression “losing one’s virginity” is a faulty one. The equation is wrongly framed. Here are its faults:

1. “Losing” is a biased word, it has a derogatory sense, it condemns beforehand the fact as an evil, a defeat, a loss. If instead of “losing one’s virginity” we would impartially say “have sex for the first time”, which is what it simply means, the whole approach would change without changing its meaning.

2. Though the word “virgin” applies to both sexes, it is used more of women, as in the idiom “St Cecily, virgin and martyr”, which is not used for men saints. There is also bias here.

3. Bodily virginity can be checked only in the woman. Men have used it to verify whether the woman they are marrying has had sex with another man or not, which places woman in an unfair position as man’s virginity cannot be checked. This is pure sexism, and it has brought much suffering in history and down to our days.

4. In Catholic circles the word “virgin” calls to mind with loving reverence the Virgin Mary, mother of Christ. As a consequence, to be a virgin is to be like Mary, and that is an honour that is “lost” when one “loses one’s virginity”.

5. There is a text in the Bible which, at least at first sight, has exaggeratedly exalted virginity and has condemned the lack of it. This is the text: “I looked, and there on Mount Zion stood the Lamb, and with him were a hundred and forty-four thousand who had his name and the name of his Father written on their foreheads. They were singing a new song before the throne and the four living creatures and the elders, and no one could learn it except the hundred and forty-four thousand ransomed from the earth. These are men who have kept themselves virgin and have not defiled themselves with women; these follow the Lamb wherever he goes. They have been ransomed as the first-fruits of mankind for God and the Lamb.” (Revelation 14:1-4)

The words “these are men who have kept themselves virgin and have not defiled themselves with women” seem to imply that man, on having sex with a woman, is defiled by her, which is an insult to woman and which damns sex as something defiling. The text also seems to say that “virgin” people have a special and exclusive place near the Lamb, since only they can sing his song and follow him wherever he goes, as they are “the first-fruits” for the Lamb and have been “ransomed from humankind”. That is the way the text was explained to us when we were young, so that virginity was exalted, sex was degraded, and we were exhorted to join those “hundred and forty-four thousand” who remain virgin through life so that we could enjoy their privileges in heaven as not “having contaminated ourselves with women” while nothing was said about women “been contaminated” by men. They were not part of the “first-fruits for God and the Lamb”.

The text may have other readings, as Bible scholars tell us, since “being a virgin” could mean “not committing idolatry” (though even so it would not seem proper to equate “idolatry” with “non-virginity”), and abstention from sex is a preparation for battle and encouraged as such. In any case, the obvious and direct meaning of the text has caused harm, has overpriced virginity and has condemned the lack of it. So much so that some modern versions, instead of “virgin” have translated “have remained chaste” to soften the meaning, but this is a mistranslation, however well meant, as the Greek has “parthenoi”, which everybody who remembers the Parthenon in Athens knows means “virgins”.

For all these reasons I’ve said that the expression “losing one’s virginity” is biased and creates prejudices. If sex is good and is created by God, having sex for the first time, duly and properly, should not be a matter for reproach but for personal satisfaction and social congratulation. I’ve also met the expression “when I became sexually active” instead of “when I lost my virginity”, which is even more positive since in general “active” sounds better than “passive”. Isn’t it?

I can think of another example of the linguistic use of “losing” and “gaining” with its cultural consequences. Growing fat is still called “gaining weight”, and growing thin is “losing weight”. The expressions come from a time when the right thing to do was to be fat, and the wrong thing to be thin. To be fat was to be healthy, rich, elegant, attractive, and so it was great to “gain” weight, while being thin was synonymous of being sick, poor, negligent, unkempt, something to be ashamed of, and so “losing weight” was truly a loss. Now, on the contrary, losing weight is the right thing to do. Young people lose weight to improve their figure, and older people lose weight to improve their health. Now “losing” is good and “gaining” is bad because “weight”, which was formerly something desirable, is now undesirable. We congratulate our friends when they lose weight, and worry with them when they confess to having gained weight. A doubtful “gain”. Language has not kept pace with mentality, and the terminology has become self-contradictory. 

The book “La primera vez” (The First Time) by Esther Porta professionally collects testimonies of young men and women about the first time they have had sex, be it before or after marriage, and there are many (more among girls) for whom the experience was not satisfactory, and quite a few (more among girls) for whom it was traumatic, due, among other things, to the idea of losing their virginity. Richard Branson, the founder of the “Virgin” trademark from records to airways, writes his autobiography, with true British humour, under the title “Losing My Virginity”. A sense of humour is the best approach.

We would have to consult our friends the Parsees about this matter of losing one’s virginity. They, too, have a good sense of humour, “Parsee humour”, that has enlivened Gujarati literature. Maybe the ones not to be consulted in this matter would be the Jains, in case their ideas of sex are similar to their ideas about food. Which they are. There are religions for every taste.

By the way, I forgot to warn that Parsees do not admit conversions.