A priest friend tells me what happened to him the other day. He was saying mass, and an old woman in the first bench kept repeating what he was saying. ‘In the name of the Father…’, ‘Glory to God in the highest…’, ‘I believe in God…. When he came to communion and said, ‘Lord I am not worthy…’, the old woman echoed, ‘Lord, the father is not worthy…’. He told me he felt quite annoyed, and commented: ‘One thing is for me to say I am not worthy, and quite another for the woman to say it. I also call myself a sinner, but I would not bear anybody calling me that!’

When bishop Pinto, who ordained me to the priesthood in India, was inaugurating his new cathedral church with a mass, he went to the microphone and began, ‘In the name of the Father…’. The mike was working all right, but he somehow thought he had not been heard, so he turned to the sacristan by his side and said aloud without covering the mike: ‘Something is wrong with this mike.’ To which the whole assembly who had heard the words answered in solemn unison: ‘And with your spirit!’

The principal of our College in Ahmedabad was one day in the morning saying Mass before Catholic professors and students. He was reciting the first Eucharistic prayer which begins the mention of women saints with the names ‘Agatha, Lucia, Caecilia, Anasthasia…’, but he tripped up thinking of the book he had been reading the previous night before going to sleep and confidently announced: ‘Agatha Christie…’. The faithful smiled knowingly, and a lady teacher in the congregation turned back and said in a low voice: ‘I gave him the novel.’

The book ‘Anécdotas de profesores’ (Carlos G. Costoya, Styria, Barcelona 2010) collects true answers by rather imaginative students in routine examinations. Here are some from their religion papers.

God created Adam and Eve from an apple.
The original sin is called like that because it was originally thought out by Adam and Eve.
God sent Abraham to conquer the land of Canada. [Canaan]
What is Genesis? – The best rock group of history.
Who was Moses? – The hero in the film ‘The Ten Commandments’.
Who is God? – It is a very difficult concept to define because since he does not exist we cannot say anything about him.
What is faith? – Faith is a gift God gives to people to understand what the priest says at Mass.
What is the Ark of the Covenant? – It is an ark hidden in Egypt which was found by Indiana Jones in the film ‘In search of the Lost Ark’.
Which is the sixth commandment? – This commandment is no more in use because now you can do it anywhere.
Mention a parable of Jesus. – The parable of the Pharisee and the Republican. [The Publican]
What is the Apocalypse? – The book that was written for the film ‘Apocalypsis Now’.
What is a priest? – In the Church there are two kinds of priests: those who believe in God and those who don’t.
What is the Blessed Trinity? – The father and the son and the dove that lives with them.
How was St Paul converted? – He fell down from the horse when Jesus gave him a shock.
Who was St Paul? – The apostle of the genitals. [gentiles]
What was the Tower of Babel? – The first School of Languages in the world.
How is one to resist temptation? – The best way to avoid the temptations of the devil is to let him tempt you, to fall into the temptation, and then you come out again.
How many things are necessary to duly receive Holy Communion? – To stand straight in line, to watch out for anybody trying to jump the file, to lift your head a bit, and to open the mouth wide to get the sacred host easily in.

‘Out of the mouth of children…’.

Mummy to a small child she is leading by the hand: ‘Tell me your things, darling, as I tell you mine.’
Little child to mummy who is leading him by the hand: ‘My things are not meant to be told to anybody, mummy.’