back - YOU TELL ME - 01/03/09

The question is a delicate one, and the answer will have to be delicate too. But all the same it will have to be clear and realistic, or else it’ll be of no use.

You tell me you suspect your wife is not being faithful to you, and you are asking me what you should do about it.

I understand your doubting her is serious, that is, you have some significant hints of it and this is not mere jealousy or baseless suspicion. You seriously suspect. But you are not certain. Your doubt has some foundation, or else you would not have written to me. But you have no proof.

The first thing is not to remain in doubt. Your doubt will ruin your marriage. You cannot go on dissembling while your inner uneasiness grows. And I say grows because the doubt in your mind will go on increasing and you’ll interpret every incident with your wife as a new proof. You have to clear your doubt. The best way to clear your doubt, as also the hardest one, is talking it over with her. With all care, delicacy, tenderness, sensitivity, and at the same time clarity, sincerity, vulnerability, equality. Talking it over.

What matters most here is your attitude when opening the dialogue. If your suspicion turns out to be baseless and her reaction satisfies you fully, well and good. If it is founded, and you threaten her with separation and you split up, you’ve destroyed your marriage. If it is founded and you demand repentance and bestow pardon and expect total amendment, you will unbalance your marriage. I mean to say, you will stand out as the forgiver and she will step down as forgiven, and that will not work. You see that yourself.

But there is another attitude, and this can help. Just realise that if she has distanced herself from you, you have something to do with it. Distancing is mutual. I don’t say you’ve done both the same, but I do say that both of you are responsible for finding yourselves now at a distance from one another. Don’t measure or compare responsibilities, but do admit that there is responsibility on either site. There must not be an accuser and an accused, a forgiver and a forgiven. You are equal. Become equal again.

What about the future? The ideal marriage is monogamous, monoandric, exclusive for life. That’s the ideal. But the ideal is not always realistic. You’ll have to accept reality as it presents itself and learn how to react to it. Marriage is something so important and valuable that it is worthwhile to tolerate at times its imperfections precisely in order to maintain it.

All that has been said here about a husband doubting his wife applies exactly equally to a wife doubting her husband. Only the terms have to be interchanged.